Be Vulnerable…With Discernment

August 28, 2020

Be Vulnerable…….with Discernment

“Show me a hero, and I’ll write you a tragedy.” F. Scott Fitzgerald

As the saying goes, you can’t swing a cat around without hearing the phase “be vulnerable” or something like that. Be raw! Authentic! Share more! Otherwise we might risk the life we are so desperately wanting to have. Free, open, honest, liberating and full of self-actualization.

I am not here to dis Brene Brown, or other vulnerability researchers, in fact I am a fan, but I am merely pulling the curtain back to expose the whole truth, and limitations, of the Be Vulnerable! campaign. 

The uncompromising reality is that it quite often backfires! Often forcing us backwards into an austere convent-esque solemn life. 

No one wants to hear that. So I am pursuing with kid gloves on, but countless times clients have gallantly sauntered into the great wide open breaking free of the shackles and internal prison systems to pursue raw vulnerability, proclaiming authentic lives. 

Awesome! Amazing! And…., 

NOW WHAT!?

Some have made it across the sea with safe passage and rest with ease and freedom on the other shores. Sushi grade rawness and care-free worries. But many are left traumatized, immobilized and duped asking why didn’t this work? Why do I feel more alone and isolated now? I shared my story and no calvary came. 

Reason being: countless times, we are harmed by the exact people whom we thought would support and love us. They were the exact people who were supposed to care and hold us. Instead, the rough reality transpires. Backs were turned, noses were snuffed, and throats were scoffed. 

They have set us up to fail. They can’t hold our suffering. 

What is this paradoxical outcome?

Have we just coached an unskillful archer onto an Olympic battlefield woefully unprepared, untrained and uncertain of how to use her weapons with any sense of confidence or strength. Not many of us can be Katniss (Hunger Games) right out of the gate. Are we conflating vulnerability with relief?

Why doesn’t vulnerability work in these instances? Well, because quite frankly we still live in a world FULL OF JUDGEMENT and harsh criticism, and it would be naïve to think otherwise. By 12:05 the judgment is palpable in the church courtyard, merely 5 minutes upon dismissal. Phone calls are being exchanged with tribal members moments after you’ve decided to tell all to an entrusted friend. Accounts are deleted micro-seconds after you bare your soul. 

“Dude she/he is a mess.” “I know, I thought she/he had her stuff together.” 

Some might walk tall and proud and pretend those people didn’t matter anyway, but the truth of the matter is, it still hurts and lays yet another crack in a fragile foundation. 

Some stories just don’t need to be told to everyone from a megaphone. 

Unless you are 100% certain you will receive the support you are needing to expose greatly, consider pausing. 

There is power in the pause. ALWAYS.

I ran a 3-day compassion meditation workshop in the recent past (pre-COVID) and one woman felt brave and candid to share a tremendous story with the group. It was a big story to handle for even the trained passengers, but many behind the scenes reported feeling triggered and traumatized and uncertain how to respond. One person’s vulnerability has potential to cause catastrophic waves in the pond. There is a seismic shift in the atmosphere. 

Recently I was on a professional online training and in our morning break-outs, a bold and firmly resolved young woman thought the containment of the Brady Bunch squares of international strangers was the safe zone to disclose the play by play on her current menstrual cycle. 

I am all for sharing a story and all in for authenticity, but, tack on the added benefit of USING DISCERNMENT. Know the group you are in. Ask if they can handle it? Can they hold the weight of it? Is it a story for them? Is this the right place? Is this the right time? Is this the right person/group of people?

Or is it more for you to share just for you. Perhaps even for some unknown subconscious reason. Lacking in impulse control. Doing it in public without compunction for who sees it. Some sort of abhorrent self-promotion. No matter what! Proving how bold, courageous, greatly daring you are. 

This fire energy can start forest fires. And any trained fire fighter would have advised you to make sure your campfire is completely burnt out before you leave the campsite. Have you checked and done this courteous and compassionate step? 

What do you hope to gain? And what if no gains come of it? Now what?

There are times to be vulnerable, to show vulnerability, but let’s not forget confidence and the adult skill set to choose to refrain. Do we have the underlying confident foundation to be vulnerable with unflappability? Can we handle the gale force winds if they come from an unexpected direction? 

I am not saying we can’t be vulnerable, but we have to have strength and confidence and the wisdom of discernment on our side first. We can’t cunningly catch people off guard with our chest out blunt and with buffed boldness. “Watch my authenticity ROAR!” This is manipulative and quite maladaptive.  Even if it is implicit and sincere in nature. Even on a golf course we are taught to yell FORE!

Two words: Empathic Concern. Before you force feed an audience your chronicle check if all systems are running. Vulnerability for sure, authenticity for certain, discernment…that’s a negative. All systems of discernment are off.  Is that responsible? Or amateurishness? Is that right for the rest of us to catch your flaming levitation wand. Or did you just curse us with Friendfyre? (Harry Potter)

Not too long ago, I was in a parking lot and a new colleague whom I had met 5 minutes prior open fired a canon right into my abdomen. It felt like she had grabbed me by the throat and opened a fire hydrant, my eyes bulged as it hastened down my esophagus. She needed for me to know her story. RIGHT IN THAT EXACT MOMENT!!  I suppose. How many other moments, with other individuals was this the outcome?  Freedom for one, paralysis for another. My guess is that this has occurred often with this individual. How many times to repeat the story and shove it in blurry faces, and bodies, with no true healthy healing outcome. 

I could hold it. But when I got to my car and blasted the AC and turned the music down and buckled my seatbelt, I noticed I was breathing from my sympathetic nervous system. I had caught her distress. It was contagious and I now had 15 minutes to expunge myself of this pig pen havoc before I walked into my home to hug my boys and make dinner. I wasn’t prepared for this woman’s horrific story. At least not at that exact time. It was thrust upon me. I was mandated to carry the weight of it. And it left a bad taste in my mouth. A tiny voice in my head blueprinted in, “Dude, stay away from that woman, she objectively sees you as a dumping site.” 

There is nothing more that saddens me. One woman needing so desperately to be seen, heard, validated. And another one desperately fighting and flighting in survival mode. This is not authenticity. This is severe dysregulation. 

In a more intimate moment, with discernment in timing, and controlled sharing, it could have provided a nurturing space to heal. To compassionately listen without judgement. But no healing will ever occur if this blunt force trauma of the giver condones inescapable attack to the receiver.  And this is the current carousel we are riding on. Just take 1 minute and look at any Instagram feed. One expecting healing. One dodging the sense of too much, too fast, too soon. 

Some stories have been shared, made public and have torn families apart, towns apart, churches and communities apart, and they are essentially all private stories of what should have been a private matter in private lives. To clarify here, I am supportive of private lives, not to be confused with private lies. Those truths will come out, but I don’t have to lose a night of sleep trying to convince others that the sun will come up. 

We can support each other in healing. And the work can be done, but the story is only a part of it. But once it is out, it cannot be put back into the bottle. Reflect on if there is a way to convey your story to help you resolve your interpersonal difficulties with integrity and grace. And without setting potential tsunamis in motion.

I find it remarkable and indemnifying that some of the oldest, most established self-help programs in the world, that have supported countless individuals in healing and recovery, remain bound and entrusted in the capsulated morality and ethicality of anonymity. This is the foundational cement of why it works. Individuals can spend time cultivating the ground under their feet, gaining strength and confidence in their recovery, and only disseminating public amends to others when it will not cause harm to self or others. Never has it been to extensively broadcast and promulgate our flaws, our vulnerabilities, our weaknesses, our cracks, our pain and limitations as though sowing seeds. This time capsule of proven methodologies, we still have much to learn about its effective measures in our healing. It might just be the antidote I am seeking in this exploration of vulnerability being cracked wide open. Privacy may just be the best policy. Further exploration is obligatory. 

Some people reflexively taut, “I don’t care what others think!” And that sounds idealistic but without thinking of others, imagine for a moment what the world we live in would look like.  

Oprah chanting, “You Get to be Vulnerable! And, You Get to be Vulnerable! And, You Get to be Vulnerable!” What do we win? A few hearts on Instagram in a post that is now besieged by exclamations of ““authenticity” “rawness” and “truth” and your post is now…..gone…or below viewers conscious awareness anyway. Now what? You sang from the bell towers, you Paul Revere’d your suffering cascading it across the internet. Now in this moment, do you feel the support and compassion and non-judgement you absolutely need and require?

Our words can be great instruments of healing, but within intimate context and conversations. As a therapist I am subjected to individual’s most private, intimate fears. We handle acclivity of pain with the gentlest touch. Never in these human moments would I suggest or proclaim, “Now go out, and scatter your pain widely.” “Let’s just see what we get.” 

With discernment a robust life can be lived. Not everyone needs to know alllllll of your story. One thing I have learned as a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner/Trauma Therapist,  is that we actually don’t need to tell the story to heal from the trauma. The story in many ways actually complicates things and incites wounds to fester. The story is not always clear headed and looking out from a polished lens. 

As we come to a close here, one helpful piece I learned from a wise man decades ago is: “I reserve the right to be superficial, because I have earned it.”

If we were raw, and open and vulnerable with everyone all of the time we would be burnt to a crisp. Scorched, hellfire and brimstone style. Why? Because the world is not supportive in the way you might have thought. Judgment doesn’t come from the unforeseen forces, those who judge us are right in front of our very eyes. 

Being vulnerable doesn’t equate support and love and care and safety. Quite the contrary. In a world of rapid cycling social media and ticker tape, we demonstratively show people’s fragility with unemotional coldness. Moral Machiavellianism. It is stunning as people pose as interviewers, friends, confidants, “Tell me the secret, we are here together, there is no one else here with us.” Pure wretchedness. 

We can engage in the therapeutic exercise of discernment. This can be known as compassion with wisdom. It is not denying the pain, or your story, but knowing with clear vision, when and if and to whom it needs to be exposed. 

Some of the strongest and wisest people I know, unflabbale in their authenticity and vibrancy, have been through some shit, you are certain of it, but none of us are privy to their unexcavated suffering. This is by design and competent choice. They have leaned on countless others through their wars, many have heard their battle cry’s, we don’t heal in isolation. But these strong, capable individuals can be the change they want to be and there is no excess exhaust thrown in others’ paths at uncertain times. “They don’t need to air out their business”, as my wise snap-on grandmother once told me. She of course endured much suffering and pain, in her 94 years, none of which I knew fully about. Yet stunningly, one of the strongest and most authentic people I have ever come across. 

When someone is woefully unprepared, not expecting it, these warriors, like my snap-on grandmother, would not say, “here, catch!” and toss their hottest potato into your hands essentially branding it with their pain. That seems a ridiculous thing to do. 

Rest assuredly, God/Source/Lightness of Being will put the people in front of you that are solid and stable at the right time.  Those are the ones who can hold all of you and your story. Those are the people that will listen and provide support and love you unconditionally and non-judgmentally. And maybe ironically those are the ones who will also hold your story in the vault. It is not for them to share. It is yours and belongs preciously to you. But they willingly will protect and contain it. 

Discernment perks up our ears so we can listen out for the supportive, non-judgmental ones. Discernment knows with somatic confidence when they have arrived. 

Live with valor, honor and dignity.  Share your story if you feel it will help others.  Use discernment in telling the ones who will support you and not judge you. Know that the choice is yours. But be prepared with forthright wisdom, that if you choose to share your story, know that it might not make a dent in your healing path. 

Tread wisely my friend. Be vulnerable but please use discernment. It’s good for you. 

Jennifer Finch, M.A., LPC, NCC, SEP, CBCT®