The Crucible of Growth: Beyond the Culture of Validation
by Jennifer Finch, M.A., LPC, SEP, NCC
March 19, 2025
In the world of self-help and therapy, we’ve spent a lot of time emphasizing the importance of being seen, heard, and validated. And don’t get me wrong—recognition matters. It matters deeply. But is it enough?
The hard truth? No.
If external validation were enough, we’d have arrived by now. But we haven’t, because the need to be seen and validated can keep us in an endless loop of seeking—always looking outward instead of standing firm in who we are. The reality is that some of us didn’t hit the jackpot of perfect parenting, and if we keep waiting for the world to make up for it, we’re going to be waiting a long time.
Instead, we have to shift our perspective: external validation should be considered a bonus, not the foundation. The real work—the deep, gritty, transformational work—comes from within. That’s why this path is often referred to as a crucible approach. (Or Post-Traumatic Growth). In a crucible, metal is melted down to be reshaped. In relationships, in life, we go through the same kind of refining fire. It’s uncomfortable. It demands confrontation. But it’s how we grow.
“Growth requires staying in the heat long enough to change.”
Self-Confrontation & Growth
“You must give up who you are to become who you are meant to be.”
Growth isn’t a passive process. It requires us to sit with discomfort, to stretch beyond our conditioning, and to stop looking for someone else to tell us we’re okay. The process of differentiation—a concept deeply explored by Dr. Murray Bowen and Dr. David Schnarch—demands that we stop outsourcing our self-worth and start tolerating the tension that comes with real development.
“You don’t find yourself—you build yourself.”
Crucible Moments & Transformation
Deep relationships—whether in marriage, friendships, or our own personal growth—are not just about comfort. They are crucibles, spaces where we are shaped, where our defenses melt away, and where we are confronted with the work we need to do. It is in these deeply relational aspects of our lives in which we are shaped.
“The process of differentiation requires tolerating discomfort in order to grow.”
Anxiety precipitated by conflict often gets a bad rap, but it isn’t the enemy. It’s the price of admission for a meaningful life. If we run from discomfort, we run from transformation.
“Anxiety isn’t the enemy; it’s the price of admission for a meaningful life.”
True Intimacy & Standing on Your Own Feet
Contrary to popular belief, intimacy is not about merging into one indistinct blob of connection. It’s about standing side by side, fully yourself, fully present. Real closeness is not about losing yourself in another, but about being able to hold onto yourself while staying connected.
“The greatest intimacy isn’t found in merging—it’s found in standing side by side, fully yourself.”
When we stop needing validation, we paradoxically become more attractive. Not just romantically, but in all areas of life. Strength, clarity, and self-respect draw people in.
“Differentiation means holding onto yourself while being close to others.”
Stepping into Personal Integrity
Everyone wants passion. Everyone wants deep, meaningful love and a life that feels alive. But not everyone wants the process that creates it.
“People want passion, but they don’t want the process that creates it.”
Life is not here to complete us—it is here to challenge us into completion. A relationship, a career, a creative endeavor—none of these things are meant to fill our voids. They are meant to show us where the work still is.
“Your partner (or life itself) is not here to complete you—it’s here to challenge you into completion.”
So, what’s the takeaway?
Stop waiting to be fully seen, fully understood, or externally affirmed before you step into who you are. Stand tall now. Validate yourself. Let the heat of challenge refine you rather than break you. Build yourself into someone who doesn’t need to be found, because you made yourself whole.
“A solid, flexible self is built through discomfort, reflection, and action.”
The work isn’t easy. But that’s why it matters.
All quotes are by Dr. David Schnarch and his Crucible Approach. Trained heavily by Dr. Murray Bowen and Systems Theory, Schnarch became a natural and logical influence in my work.
